Setting my own pace
and learning to be ok with limitations (and imperfection - eeek)
I’ve always been one for overdoing it - long before my formal ADHD diagnosis, long before taking on massive artistic endeavours or long-term homeschooling…(the list goes on): I’ve always been one to try and do ALL the things as BEST as they can be done.
And while that has often meant I am a good producer of things/projects and that I will always show up, it can, and has led at times to burnout.
Artistic burnout, mental/spiritual/physical burnout.
During the years leading up to my SLE Lupus diagnosis, I was becoming more physically and mentally burnt out - I could feel it. I’m not saying I caused myself to have Lupus (it doesn’t work that way for anyone unaware) but I do believe that they years following forced me to rest…I was made to lay down in green pastures ;)
And there was such a huge blessing in that. I would sit for hours under the liquidambar tree in my backyard and watch the leaves move, listen to the birds call to one another, and the chickens scratching in their yard. I surrendered to rest and restfulness became a favourite state of being.
As I grew more stable on different medication trials, I was able to take on more. I was able to be out of bed less. I still had to learn to pace myself but sleeping the days away became more of a memory and less of a daily pattern.
Six years on, I am still having to learn to pace myself. I often take on too much - not because I’m forced to but because it seems to be my human default position.
These days I shift between two positions: being annoyed that I can’t do more than I want to AND being ok with not just valuing the importance of pacing myself - actually pacing myself.
This year I’ve also taken on more hours in my marketing/comms role (and am loving that!) and have pulled back a little on solo gigs and my homeschooling blog/site. I’ve decided to be ok with creating whenever art I can and not beating myself up about the fact that I fall into the statistics (being a podcaster who puts out 3 episodes and then nothing else or an exhibiting artist who gets into a gallery then goes quiet).
I am learning to be content with doing what I can (whatever that looks like).
I am learning to set my own pace.
I am learning to begin by saying ‘no’ and then working back from there to see if I can actually do the thing.
I am learning to look like whatever I look like in other people’s eyes while I quietly go about my work and life each day.
I am learning to sit under my liquidambar tree again and to listen for the birds once more.
